Top 10 Funniest Sports Quotes

Bleacher Report recently did an article on The 50 Funniest Sports Quotes of All Time. In no particular order, here is my top ten. Enjoy.

1) Matt Stairs

“When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done."

2) Pat Williams

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

3) Torrin Polk

Former University of Houston coach John Jenkins was a man's man and he wanted Polk and his other players to feel like equals. "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

4) Tug McGraw

A reporter asked Tug if he preferred grass or astroturf, he replied "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."

5) Mike Tyson

“He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

6) Joe Theismann

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

7) Shaquille O' Neal

When asked if he'd visited the Parthenon while in Greece last summer, Shaq responded with: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

8) Bum Phillips

Bob Costas asked the former Houston Oilers head coach why he brought his wife on every road trip. His response: "Because she's too ugly to kiss goodbye."

9) Rocky Graziano

"I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it."

10) Jerry Rice

"I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that."

Danny Amendola Injury

OUCH!

Wheelin' & Dealin'

One of the best parts about Fantasy Football, besides Draft Day, is the wheeling & dealing between willing owners. Being able to identify strengths & weaknesses of your team is crucial as the season unfolds. No one can predict injuries or the success/failure of rookies, but knowing how to deal with these issues after the fact will determine your success as an on-going owner and can really earn you some league respect! Set your sights on these targets, aim high & pull the trigger! Besides my reasons for buying/selling, I have included each players' current Yahoo ranking and a playoff schedule. IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL!

SELL HIGH:

Fred Jackson (7)- It's not that I don't like Fred Jackson, it's just that he's on the wrong side of 30. The Bills have set the world on fire (as well as opposing defenses) in the first 3 weeks of the season, but we all know that the weather can be absolutely brutal in Buffalo in the winter. Weather conditions, a tough upcoming schedule & not to mention the toll a full season can take on an "old man's" body will attribute to a regression to the mean for Jackson. Again...he will still be a productive RB, but is he likely to remain in the Top 7 at the position? I'm leaning towards NO WAY. See what Jackson can get you in return in areas of need and you might be pleasantly surprised.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): @SD, MIA, DEN

Tim Hightower (32)- I have been a supporter of Timmy since Day 1 of the preseason. The biggest problem now is the emergence of rookie Roy Helu. Helu will remain the backup, but will expand his role as the season progresses (Helu currently getting around 8-12 touches per game). Hightower has a firm grip on the starting job (and the zone blocking scheme) for now, but I can honestly see Helu taking the reigns by season's end. Hightower's biggest assets to the team are his pass-blocking ability, open field pass-catching & his willingness to hit the hole hard (that's what she said!).

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): NE, @NYG, MIN

Devery Henderson (36)- Yes, he plays in one of the NFL's most prolific offenses. Yes, he has Drew Brees throwing him the rock. Yes, he has 265 yards and 2 TD's through the first 3 weeks. However, if you look a little deeper, it all seems to come in chunks on long yardage/deep threat plays. The yardage may be there, but the amount of opportunities will be few & far between due to New Orleans' stable of receivers. Henderson is a prime example of Boom or Bust and is far too inconsistent for me to trust on a weekly basis.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): @TEN, @MIN, ATL

Mike Tolbert (42)- His inflated stats are a result of a MONSTER Week 1 performance (35 rushing yards, 9 catches for 58 yards, 3 TD's). Anyone who has watched SD play in the past two weeks will tell you that Ryan Mathews is the superior back. Tolbert's biggest advantage was the fact that he held goal line duties, but it is looking more and more like Mathews is working his way into those duties as well. Maybe I'm impatient, but I know when to fold 'em & it's about time to let another owner deal with this RB timeshare.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): BUF, BAL, @DEN

Willis McGahee (64)- McGahee has claimed RB1 status in Denver, partially due to the non-surprising injury of Moreno. Willis has accumulated ALOT of miles in his 9 year career. He will most likely get the bulk of the carries, as well as goal line touches, but his uninspiring fantasy numbers will NOT win you a championship. His value will not get much higher than it is right now, which any smart fantasy owner will agree that it is time to sell! See if you can pawn him off on the owner of Knowshon Moreno.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): CHI, NE, @BUF

BUY LOW:

Daniel Thomas (83)- Reggie Bush is quickly falling out of the feature back role. They tried Bush as the lead back in Week 1, with mixed results. Week 2...21 total yards. Week 3...48 total yards. If this trend continues and Thomas holds on to his goal line role, there will be a lot to smile about as a Thomas owner. Also noteworthy...Miami is under the direction of a new offensive coordinator and his playbook has really seemed to benefit Brandon Marshall and will do the same for Thomas.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): PHI, @BUF, @NE

Anquan Boldin (89)- Flacco, although up & down through the first three weeks, continues to show improvement in his accuracy and ability to read the defense. With Derrick Mason & Todd Heap choosing to leave town, Boldin will be the main beneficiary. He is a target hog and should see a steady diet each week. He is a big, physical receiver that can rip the ball away from the defenders. All he needs is the targets.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): IND, @SD, CLE

Hakeem Nicks (95)- Nicks might actually be the best buy-low candidate on the list. He has underwhelmed so far this season, but his role will continue to expand with Eli heating up and Hixon going down with a knee injury. He is among the Top 10 in the league in Red Zone targets over the past 2 seasons. Nicks is a matchup nightmare for opposing defenders and has the full trust of his QB.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): @DAL, WAS, @NYJ

Rashard Mendenhall (135)- Pittsburgh will continue to pound the running game because...well, because thats what Pittsburgh does. Mike Wallace's early season success will help take the top off the defense, which will eventually open more running lanes for Mendenhall. He had 13 TD's last season and Coach Tomlin has no intentions of taking him off of goal line duty. I have not lost faith in him and neither should you. Take the plunge!

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): CLE, @SF, STL

Santonio Holmes (138)- The clear Number 1 WR of the Jets. The Jets like to think that they are a ground & pound football team, but the under-performing combo of Shonn Greene & LT is turning their offense into a more pass friendly unit. Sanchez is not a great fantasy option either, but he recognizes that Holmes has the best hands & speed of any of his other options. He is a big time play maker and always seems to rise to the challenge (need I remind you that he was a Super Bowl MVP?). I would love to have him on my squad.

• Playoff Matchups (Weeks 14,15,16): KC, @PHI, NYG

Green Eggs & Manningham

Image via Bill Menzel/NYSD

Percy Harvin (Y! ADP: 65.7)

Call it a hunch, but I think Harvin is in for a big season. He is being taken around mid-6th round and has the upside of a solid WR2. Made from the same mold as Santana Moss (2010 stats: 93 catches/1,115 yards), he will quickly gain the rapport and trust of new QB Donovan McNabb. With Sidney Rice opting to go to Seattle and AP loosening up the coverage, Harvin is going to be the main man in Minnesota.

• 2011 Projections: 82 receptions, 1,015 yards, 6 TD

Mario Manningham (Y! ADP: 70.4)

Green Eggs & Manningham! This is my favorite and most confident pick-to-click! Eli will again top the 4,000 yard mark (although it'll take 25 INT to get there) and with Hakeem Nicks getting ALOT of attention from defenses, Super Mario will build on his stellar sophomore season. There is just something about a up-and-coming WR going into his third year with the same QB. You'll have to get him in the 5th round, but draft with confidence and reap the rewards. Felix Jones (Y! ADP: 84.6)

Here's the only stat you need to see on Felix...In every game that he touches the ball at least 17 times, he has gained NO LESS than 83.7 yards. Upgrade him a few spots for PPR Leagues, as he will get a lot of check downs & screen passes. Marion the Barbarian is out of the picture and Felix has been given the keys to the Jaguar. Gentlemen, start your engines! With at least 15 games started this season, he will finish in the top 10 for the price of a 4th round pick.

• 2011 Projections: 1,550 total yards, 8 TD

Matthew Stafford (Y! ADP: 95.2)

After a monster preseason, it is becoming evident that stealing Stafford in the 9th and 10th rounds is not going to continue to work. Although using him as a #1 starter is extremely risky, he has been provided a lot of weapons at the skill positions (Megatron/Best/Pettigrew) and the Lions (whether Stafford has been under center or not) have been the 3rd highest passing team in the NFL for the past 2 seasons.

• 2011 Projections: 3,900 passing yards, 31 TD, 13 INT

Tim Hightower (Y! ADP: 100.0)

Coach Shanahan's zone-scheme blocking seems to really fit Hightower's style & skill set. He has earned the right to start the season as Washington's starting RB. Before his solid preseason, Hightower was going in the 8th or 9th round, but is now requiring a 5th or 6th round pick. If he can hold off an injury prone Ryan Torain and rookie Roy Helu, Timmy could be one of the biggest steals on draft day. A one time sleeper pick, he is rapidly climbing the draft boards.

• 2011 Projections: 1,133 total yards, 9 TD

Mike Tolbert (Y! ADP: 100.4)

I don't know if I just hate Ryan Mathews as the lead guy or if I really like Tolbert. Either way, Tolbert is going to get most of the 3rd down & goal line touches and you know that in an offense lead by Philip Rivers, the scoring opportunities will come in bunches. Not to mention, Mathews is still trying to shed the "soft" or "fragile" label and has to show what he can do before he gains the full trust of Coach Turner. Generally going later in drafts, Tolbert can be a had around the 7th or 8th rounds and still be more useful for fantasy purposes.

• 2011 Projections: 675 rushing yards, 10 TD

Reggie Bush (Y! ADP: 103.6)

This is the least confident of the choices I have made. From his "daze" in USC, I've always loved Reggie. The sky is the limit athletically with Reggie. However, when your fate is directly linked to Chad Henne's success, it is always a roll of the dice kind of feeling. IF he can stay health and Henne can keep the defenses honest, Reggie could have damn well taken his talents to the right place.

• 2011 Projections: 1,000 total yards, 6 TD

Willis McGahee (Y! ADP: 121.2)

This one comes from the "All-Time Touchdown Vultures" department. McGahee has a couple things going for him right now. 1) He is in a run happy system under Coach Fox. 2) He seemingly will get the majority load of goal line touches. And 3) Moreno is the "work horse" first string running back which means bones/muscles are constantly in jeopardy of being damaged. Sorry, but its true.

• 2011 Projections: 600 total yards, 7-9 TD

• 2011 Projections: 76 receptions, 1,100 yards, 11 TD